Bleh

I’ve all but checked out.  I just can’t take this any more, and I’m tired of all the tedious, boring crap I have to put up with day in and day out.  I want to get out of here, and I want to do it now.

The beau and I have made a decision:  I’ll be moving out to live with him and his parents.  And while he’ll be working to start his career in software, I’m going to be working toward my dream of cooking for a living.  The exact plans aren’t hammered out yet, but it’s looking like I’ll be getting everything I’ve wanted the last couple years, and he’ll get to be with me, which will definitely boost his productivity and mood.

We’ve decided that I’m probably going to be moving out there mid-February to give me time to pack and prepare my current workplace for my departure.  The problem is, though, I’m ready to make the move now.  I don’t really see most of my work as complicated enough to require a knowledge transfer, especially since a lot of my knowledge was garnered just from watching and stepping through the code.  On top of that, it seems as if everything I’ve done recently has been sub-par and/or superfluous.  And not to mention the fact that I don’t want to work on anything major so I don’t start something that won’t get finished.

So where does that leave me?  I’m tired of going to work, but I can’t make the move just yet.  And at the same time, I’ve basically already left, but people are still counting on me to do stuff.  Bleh.

Words Are Hard

I’m obviously not too terrible at putting my words into written language.  I grasp the English language at a rather high level, I can spin thoughts, fantasies, and emotions in elaborate detail,  and my vocabulary is pretty expansive.

What many of you probably don’t know is that I have had some pretty serious issues expressing myself in the same way verbally for years.  I have a mild stutter when under slight pressure to communicate, I often forget or mess up words mid-sentence, I tend to include a ton of irrelevant or minor details, and sometimes I never get to a point in what I’m saying.

Now, for those of you who have communicated with me verbally, watch this video.

When I first watched this, it was like everything suddenly made sense.  That sounds like me!  I may have gotten a bit better than this over the years, but when I was her age, this is exactly how I sounded.  And it’s still how I sound when talking about complex subjects like politics, religion, science, and philosophy.  When I’m talking, I just can’t seem to string the words I want together, and when I do string them together, they’re not always in the right order.  Of course, you don’t really see that in my writing because I’ve got more time to think about it, and I’ve got more opportunities to get it right before anyone sees it.

So, what does this all mean?  Well, the causes of developmental expressive language disorder are unknown, and there isn’t really any treatment for it beyond speech therapy if the disorder is too hindering, so really nothing right now.  However, it may better help to explain why I get on some of my friends’ nerves sometimes (sorry).  Also, this disorder is yet another symptom on the autism spectrum that I exhibit, which is really beginning to make me lean toward looking for maybe a diagnosis and treatment in that direction.

Why I Can’t Be Wrong

I have a really hard time with being told I’m wrong.  A rejection is as bad as being told I’m about to die.  It takes my entire mental capacity to keep from breaking down after being told no.  Criticism destroys my psyche.  Corrections are personal attacks directed at my heart.

Some would say I’m an entitled brat because I can’t handle it.  That mommy and daddy gave me everything, and so I can’t deal with something not going my way.  I must have not been disciplined well when I was little.  Or maybe I’m just another immature snowflake that can’t be told I’m wrong or it’ll hurt my special snowflake feelings.

But really, my problem comes from the opposite.  I can deal with the criticisms.  I recognize I’m not infallible.  I can see what’s wrong, and accept the truth.  No, my real issue isn’t a problem with rejection, it’s a problem of self-worth.

My self-worth has always been directly connected to my ability to be right.  When I was growing up, my family had a constant focus on success.  It was the only thing that received any notice.  If you did as you were told, followed the rules, got good grades, and stayed involved, you were loved and shown attention.  Otherwise, you had no worth.

My sister got through this relatively easily by being a social butterfly.  She was in tons of extra-curriculars, played a few sports, was active in the community and the church, and got decent enough grades that my parents didn’t worry about it with everything else she was doing.

I didn’t get it so lucky.  I didn’t have the work ethic or the discipline to do sports, being bullied in elementary school ended up making me somewhat of a social recluse, and I was never really religiously-minded.

And so, I was left with one thing to prove my worth.  My grades.

Through high school, this wasn’t much of a problem.  I made nearly straight A’s.  Ended up as salutatorian of my class.  Was often the teacher’s pet.  Was often the lynch pin of the academic team, often bringing in the top scores of the team.

But any time I was wrong, especially when it came to personal interests, it was always a severe issue.  A slip-up as minor as even a B in a class was a problem.  I was yelled at or worse for literally every mistake and poor choice I made.  I can’t count how many times I was basically told I was only allowed to keep my hair long and play video games because my grades were good. My dad tried to throw me out of the house twice in high school for the audacity of having mental breakdowns and standing up for my feelings.

And then came college.  I struggled through college for a number of reasons, but mostly because of my untreated depression, still-unnoticed dysphoria, and an emotionally abusive relationship that only strengthened the idea that I was worthless if I didn’t meet unreachable expectations.  My grades tanked after my freshman year because of years of unmanaged mental issues and constant pressure from home.  And, of course, to top it all off, it turns out I was heading toward a future I didn’t really want because I was trying to meet the expectations of those around me.

At this point, I was basically just trying to survive amongst the world falling apart around me.  And I retreated to the only thing that had been constant since I was young:  my ability to be right and the fear of being wrong.  Being right was the only thing that gave me worth, so if I just constantly tried to avoid being wrong, then I would always be right.

And so I developed anxiety.  And the constant fear of my life being destroyed because of a mistake bred anxiety about making any decision at all.  And insomnia from having so many things to handle at once.  And more frequent bouts of depression from being constantly sleep-deprived and worrying about my impending doom.  And OCD to remember, organize, and process all my anxieties.  And suicidal thoughts because even if there’s nothing after life, it still has to be better than this.

So now I’m stuck with all this bullshit combined with my depression and some childhood trauma and my dysphoria.  I’ve got a nice little cocktail of mental problems that makes me nearly unemployable in a typical workplace environment with experience and a degree only useful in that kind of place and medical bills and student loans  that are only affordable with that kind of job.  All because I didn’t know I was oh so wrong when I was just trying to be anything but.

The Pain of Not Knowing

The holidays have been a rough time for me the last few years.  My family tends to butt heads with me over things like politics and religion.  And between having to keep my transition a secret and the struggle of getting my family to accept me, it’s only gotten worse.

Now that I’m out full-time, and my family seems to be supportive, things are getting better, but I’ve still got a huge worry on my plate.  Some of my family, especially the immediate family, has had a hard time adjusting and accepting me, which has led to some incredibly uncomfortable family get-togethers.  And the stress and anxiety associated with those uncomfortable times have really gotten to me.

I know that stress comes from not knowing how this will all turn out.  I’m prepared for the relationship with my family to either endure or disintegrate.  Both options have presented themselves as possibilities, and I’ve made steps to ready myself for both.  At this point, functionally, I don’t care which way it goes.  Being disowned would suck, but I could deal with it just as well as I could having another solid means of support.

What’s killing me is not knowing which way the scales will tip.  My family says they won’t cut ties with me, but they aren’t making any effort to include me in the family, either.  And although I will say I haven’t made this any easier for them, the fact of the matter is I’m not willing to put the time, energy, and emotions into making it work until they show me they want it.  I’ve been through this kind of thing before, and I know opening up just makes it hurt worse when I’m rebuked.  There’s no reason to pile more suffering on top of the struggles I’m already dealing with.

I think that’s why I decided to not attend Thanksgiving this year, too.  I knew that, given which side of the family we were celebrating with this year, there would be a huge chance that someone would say or do something to cause me trouble, and I didn’t want to have to deal with that, especially knowing that there would be no one there to back me up.

And so, I guess I’ll get to my point.  To my family, I ask, which do you really want?  Do you want to accept me as I am and get to know the real me that’s been in hiding for twenty-five years, or would you be more content with just letting me go?  If you want to be accepting and supportive, I’ll be there through thick or thin.  I’ll help you gain the understanding I know you need.  You just have to ask for it and listen with an open mind, free of any preconceptions you already have.  To me, nothing is sacred, and I’ll lay my heart in the open if you want.  But if you’d rather just cut me off, I’ll understand.  Although it’d be rough, I can handle it.  I’ve already got the support I need to make it through.  But I need an answer.  The stress and anxiety will kill me if I don’t get it.

I guess I should actually use this if I’m gonna link it somewhere…

So yeah, starting now, I’m gonna start posting on here, hopefully on a daily basis.  Topics will probably be rather varied and incredibly dependent on my mood.

 

If I don’t post for longer than a couple days or so, someone should yell at me.  I’ve probably forgotten.

A Wild Blog Has Appeared!

Hello!

So, this is my first attempt at a blog, and hopefully I’ll get going on this and actually make it something I do on a regular basis.  So let me start off by saying that this will hopefully also motivate me to write and draw more just to post more things on here.  Otherwise, this blog will also contain a ton of stuff about video games and the like.  So, on that note… Let’s begin!