About Me

It occurred to me this morning that there are a lot of things about my life that I’ve kept hidden from so many people throughout the years.  And as I’m going through the process of transition, coming out, and really starting to live as who I am rather than who others want me to be, I’m starting to notice that not everyone knows the same things about me, and that’s causing a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication.  I’m going to try to put everything out there right now so that people know where I’m coming from and what to expect.  So, without further ado…

My name is Sadoni Devin Banks.

My parents gave me the name Devin Andrew Banks at birth, but since then things have happened, and I’m now going by Sadoni Devin.  I decided to keep my original first name as a middle name because I did not want to lose every connection to my family.  My parents named me Devin for a reason, and I want to keep it that way.  I chose Sadoni because it is a name that has now followed me for six years through multiple social groups, and it just feels more natural.    It’s unique, but it doesn’t sound outlandish, much like myself.  The name originally came from a random name generator, and I kind of just made it my own.

I identify as female.

I much prefer feminine pronouns (she/her/hers) when referring to me.  My gender marker on my driver’s license says female, as well.  Please respect my identity and legal designation as you would any other’s.

I am transgender.

I was assigned male at birth.  I lived my life as a male for the first twenty-four years of my life.  I had often thought about wanting to be a girl starting when I was about twelve, but didn’t actually make the connection until August 2013.  Since then, I have been making steps to transition my life to more correspond with my gender identity.  I came out to the first person that September, and to my first family member, my oldest sister, January 2014.  I started hormone replacement therapy on September 1, 2014.  I started presenting female in public not long after that, and started presenting female full-time May 5, 2015.

I suffer from a number of mental issues.

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, mild obsessive compulsive disorder, and a minor anxiety disorder, in addition to gender identity disorder.  Growing up, I often considered suicide, but never acted upon it.  I would also often go through serious mood swings which often resulted in minor manic episodes followed by severe depression lasting for days or months.  In conjunction, I would often obsess about minor behaviors, which regularly displayed itself in patterns of threes.  I began medication to treat the first three in March of 2014.  Since then, my OCD has nearly disappeared, the anxiety is much less of a problem, and my depression is much easier to handle.

My gender dysphoria has an odd way of manifesting itself.

Due to the clinical depression, I never really saw myself as having much dysphoria before I got on medication.  It was difficult to distinguish the dysphoria from the depression and any body images issues resulting from it.  As such, it was a huge surprise after I started hormones and presenting female just how much of a change it made to my everyday mood.  I now know that I suffer from severe body dysphoria and dysphoria from social aspects of gender.  However, unlike many transgender individuals, I suffer little to no genital dysphoria.

I was bullied heavily through elementary and middle school.

I’ve touched on the full story before, so I’ll just give a small summary here.  Being ostracized from my only social circle during my formative years took a huge toll on me.  Had I not had the bullying compiled with the depression and puberty, I probably would have more easily distinguished that a lot of my issues came from gender dysphoria, and I would have probably come to terms with being transgender at a much younger age.  But on the other hand, I got to learn from these times who my true friends were and how to forge close bonds that would last for a long time.

My first relationship was an abusive one.

It was somewhat abusive on both sides; we mentally abused each other more and more as the relationship continued.  By the end, every conversation would devolve into a fighting match with at least one of us resorting to name-calling and personal jabs.  Add on top of it that she cheated on me and abused drugs behind my back, and the level of distrust and uneasiness got out of hand.  I was, however, still committed to her when she left me abruptly after two and a half years, and the whole ordeal really messed me up for a few years.  Relationships since then have been hard because my emotions got so messed up during that time.  I also learned a lot about myself in the healing process, and really became a whole new person when I emerged from under her shadow.  I kind of broke down after being so high-strung for so many years, and I learned to actually live life for myself rather than everyone else.  I first started to come to terms with being open about myself rather than only showing people what they wanted to see.

I am panromantic, pansexual.

My romantic and sexual attractions are not defined by gender or sex.  I generally find myself more attracted to feminine types than masculine types, but the actual sex and gender do not matter when I consider prospective partners.

I am polyamorous.

I can easily show love and affection equally to a number of people.  I have only been in one polyamorous relationship in my life, and I am currently in a committed closed relationship, but depending on how my partner feels about it, I would definitely be open to another.

I am agnostic.

Due to previous life events, my relationship with the Catholic Church from an early age, and a large amount of introspection and research on my part, I have come to the conclusion that I, nor anyone else, has any authority or knowledge to say that a higher power of any kind does or does not exist.  Each religion makes valid arguments that it is the one true religion, but I do not believe that anyone has the right in and of themselves to say they are the absolute authority over which one is correct.  And over time, the history of every religion has been muddied with the intentions of their followers and leaders.  At this point, no one can say which religion is actually correct unless some higher power manifests itself and gives evidence of such, and this complication is even greater with the multitudes of each religious sect.  As for personal belief, I have yet to see any evidence that any religion is the correct one.  No god or gods have spoken to me, I have seen no miracles, I have not encountered anything that does not have a scientific reasoning behind it or is cutting edge science.  And so, I will continue to live in a state of general non-belief.

I am happier and more content now than I ever have been.

I still suffer from depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria, but all of those are in much lesser levels than they have been in the past.  Up until recently, I never knew that this level of general happiness was even possible.  I can smile because I actually feel it, not because someone wants me to.  I actually wake up everyday looking forward to living.  I still have suicidal thoughts from time to time, and I still break down on particularly tough days, but those days are much fewer and further between.  I’m living my life how I want to live it, not how others think I should.  And if someone has issue with that, I don’t care.  I’ve spent way too much of my life not being me.  I’m not going to bow to someone else’s wishes just because they think they know me better or aren’t comfortable about who I am.  And so far, that’s really made everything better.

So yeah, that’s me.  If you have any questions or comments, feel free to say something.  I’m able to answer most questions, and I’ll discuss things with you as long as you’re respectable.  I’m here whenever you want to talk.  Just leave a comment, send me an email, call me, or come visit.

Severing Ties

Well, I’ve done it.  I’ve talked to my grandmother.  The deed is done.

It probably went as well as I could expect it to.  She didn’t get mad.  She seemingly listened to everything I said.  She told me she loved me no matter what.  And yet, she disapproves of what I’ve done and will consider me her grandson until the day she dies.

In the end, I’m going to have to cut her from my life.  There is no way I will live with someone in my life who refuses to accept me for who I am.  People like her have been beating me down with words and disapproval my entire life, and at this point I’m done living like that.  If she doesn’t want to accept me, then she’ll live without me.

I knew this was inevitable, but it still kind of hurts.  I care about my family.  I don’t want to lose them all.  But I must care about my own well-being first.  A life without happiness is a life not worth living, and I want to live in a way that gives my life plenty of worth.

And even though this did seem to be inevitable, I can’t help but wonder how much more family I’m going to lose like this.  My littlest sisters are already full supporters, and my oldest sister at least keeps saying she’s trying.  But my parents don’t seem to be making any effort at all to accept me, and the rest of the family has been dead silent with the exception of a select few.  I have no idea how they actually feel, and until I actually do, those relationships will continue to exist in a state of limbo:  not really gone but not really there either.  Will these threads entwine again sometime in the future, or will they fray apart like the one with my grandmother?

The Great Hormonal Adventure: Month 9.5

So, this is my first post since Gencon, so I guess I’ll talk about that stuff too.

First things first, I’m now legally female!  Got my driver’s license changed over yesterday, and the social security stuff will come along soon.  No name change yet, but at least I can now legally use the proper bathroom without being called on it.

Gencon went pretty well.  Got some new earrings and a corset.  The corset looks really good; it accentuates my curves perfectly.  I’ll post a picture next time I have it on.

My youngest sisters are completely backing me with the whole transition.  They’ve both made the move over to the proper pronouns, and they’re seriously working on the name.  My parents, however, have still not used proper pronouns, even after several pointed references from me, my sisters, and my friends to the correct gender.  It’s like they’re not even trying.

I haven’t talked to my grandma yet.  That discussion should be coming tonight.  I’ll post an update when it’s done and over.